“Why Do I Have No Friends?” – How To Balance Work and Social Life as a High Achiever
I’ve been seeing more and more people in my practice who seem to have it all professionally. They're high performers with a tinge of perfectionism, and they’re highly successful at school or work. They’re collecting achievement after achievement and are getting recognized for their abilities. It’s clear that their work is very important to them, and they’re good at it.
But more and more, these clients tell me that despite their high performance at school/work, they’re lonely. “I have no friends,” they tell me in sessions. They work so hard that it doesn’t leave much time to date or have a social life. Or they don’t feel confident when it comes to their social skills and relating to people outside of the confines of work.
If this sounds like you, know that you’re not alone. Surveys show that so many are in this boat; overall, we’re spending less and less time at social events, and we have fewer friends than ever before.
But there are ways to better balance work/school and social life, and feel fulfilled in every area of your life. Let’s dive in.
Why is it hard to make friends as an adult?
Making and maintaining friendships is difficult for all of us in adulthood, regardless of our personalities or jobs. Some of us may be lucky enough to have friendships that have lasted since childhood or college, but even these long-term friendships can start to suffer if you don’t invest in them.
How common is not having friends?
Research shows that we generally have fewer close friends than we used to. The 2021 American Perspectives Survey found that 12% of U.S. adults have no friends at all, up from less than 3% in the 90s. More of us report having a very small group of friends than before; around half of Americans reported having fewer than 3 friends. We’re also spending a lot less time overall with our friends than we used to.
Overall, our social lives are declining so drastically that some experts are calling it a friendship recession. This is concerning; as humans, close relationships are a critical component of good mental and physical health. The National Institute on Aging says that prolonged isolation is as damaging to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
So why is it so hard for so many of us to make friends as adults? There are a few possible reasons, including:
As a high performer, you may have felt like you needed to choose between prioritizing relationships or work. It may feel like to succeed professionally, you’ve needed to sacrifice everything else – including your friendships.
After working long hours, you may not have enough energy or time left to dedicate to your personal/social life.
Since the pandemic, many of us have worked remotely. This may mean that you have less opportunity to practice your social skills, even with people at work.
The pandemic also made us more isolated in general. You may have gotten used to spending time alone, and simply haven’t made the switch back to connecting with others.
Most high achievers value success and hard work over everything else. Many of us, including Asian Americans and people of other groups, had this message reinforced by our immigrant parents as well. You may have gone through life believing that success was all you needed to be happy – only to get to your 20s or 30s and realize that friends are important, too.
Many people have a hard time making friends because they’re shy or live with social anxiety. Socializing could be so exhausting and anxiety-provoking for you that, more often than not, you decline opportunities to do so.
Lastly, it’s simply hard to get the opportunity to make friends as adults. Even if you’ve always valued friendships and tried hard to build a healthy social life, external circumstances – like the pandemic, a big move, or the cultural vibe of your local area – could have gotten in the way.
How to balance school/work and social life as a high achiever
If you’re successful at work but have no friends, there are things you can do to meet people, build meaningful connections, and balance school/work and social life.
First, be kind to yourself. Remember that not having friends is a common issue today that affects many people, especially in the United States. Try to refrain from blaming yourself. Not having a social life doesn’t mean there’s anything “wrong” with you. There are so many things that could have led to this.
Remember why you want more of a social or dating life. When we forget our “why,” it’s so easy for this to get pushed to the background. This is especially true if you’re a high performer at work and already have a natural tendency to prioritize your professional life over everything else. Stay connected to your reason for wanting more social connection in your life, and make sure you’re prioritizing it.
Start with your acquaintances. Even if you have no close friends, it’s likely that there are some people you know in your life. For example, if you have a thriving professional life, then you may already be spending a lot of time with work colleagues. Try working towards forming closer relationships with these acquaintances. Ask them about their interests; get to know them, and allow them to get to know you.
If socializing causes you anxiety (whether you live with social anxiety disorder or you just have a shy personality), it’s important to resist the urge to avoid your fears. Avoiding social situations usually only makes social anxiety worse. When you can gather the courage to expose yourself to your fears, you break the cycle between your thoughts and your fears. Therapy can help with this.
Therapy for high achievers in California and online
You are not alone. Many people come to see me because they have no friends despite being very successful in other areas. Nothing is wrong with you, and you can build a fulfilling social and personal life.
I specialize in therapy for high performers and perfectionists. Ready to get started? Schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me here!
I can provide online therapy in California. My office is located in Irvine, which is near Newport Beach, Orange, Fountain Valley, Costa Mesa, Anaheim, Huntington Beach, Mission Viejo, Laguna Niguel, Aliso Viejo, Laguna Hills, Tustin, Seal Beach, and beyond. I provide video therapy to individuals who live in California, including Orange County, San Diego, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, San Francisco, and more. I work with OCD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and Asian American & Pacific Islanders.
Disclaimer: This information is being provided to you for educational and informational purposes only. The topics being discussed are meant as a self-help tool for your own use. It is not psychotherapy or counseling. This information is to be used based on your own judgment. If you need to speak with a professional, you should find one local to you and contact them directly.