Four Strategies for Achieving Clarity in your Relationship by Robyn Tamanaha, LMFT
Oftentimes, individuals will seek therapy to gain clearer insight into their relationships. Typically they may find themselves struggling with one or more of the following challenges:
Feeling unhappy or unfulfilled, despite identifying and acknowledging positive qualities in their partner.
Family may be approving of their partner, but they are unsure if there is enough compatibility.
Attracted to the idea of a romantic relationship, but are unsure of what they truly want from their partner.
When it comes to decision making regarding your relationship or defining ideal qualities in a partner, there is no right or wrong answer. However, it can be helpful to take the time to reflect on these four aspects: past relationships, goals, values, and lifestyle.
Past relationships
Engaging in a brief non judgemental evaluation of past relationships can be informative and valuable for the future. Identifying the factors that left you feeling unfulfilled, unheard, and confused can shed light on your current and future needs from a partner. Did you feel you were left holding back or giving too much? This self-reflection will help build better expectations and desires for a healthier relationship.
Goals
Every Individual has a unique goal for their relationship. Some may seek a short-term partnership, while others may prioritize a long-term relationship. Long term relationships can be highly unique as well, as some will want marriage and others do not. The same can be said regarding starting a family.
Firstly, it is important to identify what your personal goals are in a relationship, whether current or future. Then, communicate these goals to make sure they align with your partner's goals.
Values
According to Dr. Russ Harris, values are more about how you act or behave on a consistent basis, rather than what you want to achieve. There are many values, which you can find linked here. A few examples of values include acceptance, adventure, encouragement, equality/fairness, fun, and independence. It is not absolutely necessary for partners to have matching values. It is important, however, for an individual to feel emotionally safe and supported by their partner who accepts and respects their values.
Lifestyle
Perhaps the least exciting of the four aspects, lifestyle factors are still just as important. Someone’s lifestyle can encompass many things such as, self-care practices, habits in their living space, balancing work/personal life/family, sleep patterns, alcohol and substance use, hobbies, and stress management. Does your lifestyle include any non-negotiables that you would not be willing to give up if you were in a relationship? Are there ways that you and your partner can work together to compromise in order to build a working harmonious lifestyle?
As you can see, there are multiple factors to consider when thinking about a relationship that would be fulfilling for you. You don’t have to do this alone. If you are interested in receiving therapy with me, let’s schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation.
I provide video therapy to individuals living anywhere within the state of California. My office is located in Irvine, which is near Newport Beach, Orange, Fountain Valley, Costa Mesa, Anaheim, Huntington Beach, Mission Viejo, Laguna Niguel, Aliso Viejo, Laguna Hills, Tustin, Seal Beach, and beyond. I provide video therapy to individuals who live in California, including Orange County, San Diego, Los Angeles, Santa Barbara, San Francisco, at more. I work with OCD, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, relationships, breakups, stress, and Asian American & Pacific Islanders.
Disclaimer: This information is being provided to you for educational and informational purposes only. The topics being discussed are meant as a self-help tool for you own use. It is not psychotherapy or counseling. This information is to be used based on your own judgment. If you need to speak with a professional, you should find one local to you and contact them directly.